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An Unplanned Reset

Things never, ever, go according to plan.

Image by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

*Written earlier this week.


As I write this, I am sitting in my room awaiting the results of my COVID-19 test. I had the sniffles which have now turned into a headache + some, and I'm waiting on my late results. And the uncertainly is killing me; just the sensation of feeling worse this morning and the frustration of having to miss class, fall more behind, catch up more. Thinking about the appointments I'll have to cancel and the people I'll have to disappoint. The things I was looking forward to so much are falling from my grasp, and the fear I think I'll have to bring as I break the news to my close contacts is unsettling to my little tired heart.


All this, and I haven't even gotten my test back.


To be honest, I've been disappointed enough times to have built a 'disappointment dampener' around my heart. It's tempting to expect less rather than risk deep disappointment. The week was looking up from last week's stress showdown, and now it's turning into 'life's not together' part two. And I grapple with how to accept that. That the productive and more positive week I was anticipating is turning into even more of a frustration than the last one.


But I'm also struggling with my own perspective. How I've begun to give this week up for dead, and as my body seems to fail me the burnout I've felt these last few months makes me want to throw my hands up and surrender. Maybe life will never be 'together.' Maybe I'll never be.


Was I supposed to be in the first place?


Maybe it's time I surrendered and admitted it - I'm a mess. The mask is off, and I feel undone. I need help and a reset. Maybe, just maybe, it's time I came just as I am.


Because in accepting my brokenness, I can be made more whole. In my weakness, I can be made strong. In my lonely solitude, as I sit locked up in my chairless room-in-progress, I can become more aware of myself and my needs. In my fear, I can reach out to my Source of strength. Because all of a sudden, I begin to see that I'm missing a piece. His peace.*


Yes, I wasn't planning for this. Who ever plans for the bad, the ugly, the worst? The unexpected, the painful, and the hurting? But the one thing we can always have "...is the peace that surpasses all understanding," the one that "...guard[s] your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6). It's in this place of hurting that I can call out in raw vulnerability to the One that can soothe my pain, calm my fears, and wipe my tears away. It's here that I can feel seen and heard, and maybe begin to re-learn how to be poured into again. And all of a sudden, being afraid and frustrated doesn't feel so lonely anymore. Because in my place of need, He shows up better than ever before. I just need to take the missing piece He's been holding out to me the entire time.


Oh, and on the bright side?


Now, I don't have to worry about the physical and emotional exhaustion that comes with walking to and around campus. I have time to shop for my last essentials, decorate my little home, take my vitamins, and journal more than I have in the last 5 months combined. I have time to sit and let myself be poured into, time to sing and listen and cry as each message of validation and hope comes through the prayers of a friend, the love of my mother, the sermons and the songs I'm streaming non-stop to keep me going. Time to live in this moment and sit with myself. Time to receive so that, when I'm finally free again, I have more to give.


Yes, this wasn't in my plan. But maybe, my plan wasn't so great after all.

Ok God. Let's try this reset.


Joyfully yours,

Bel <3


*Note: I tested negative the day after writing this, and my sniffles went away the same day. Sometimes, we just need a little divine interruption to stop and realize we need re-tuning and redirection. I thank God for the moments of reflection and sitting that took place this last week. Truly "...all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28.


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Who am I? Just a girl pondering the meaning of life and what it means to live joyfully, regardless of the circumstances. Welcome to my "Notes Corner" aka my thoughts on life - sit back and read awhile, I love company!

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