To those who fear healing...

I’ve noticed that I have a deeply rooted fear of healing. Do you?

Image by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I’ve noticed that I have a deeply rooted fear of healing.

The fear that comes with knowing all the walls you built, brick by brick, to protect yourself must come down.

The fear of feeling each emotion, opening the door to slowly release the habits and mechanisms that numbed you to the pain.

The fear of hoping for all things positive and good to take their place, only to be disappointed in the outcome again.

The whisper of doubt echoing, “What if this hope I feel is all in vain?”

Fear and fatigue go hand in hand. Sometimes, fatigue holds you back from the work of healing. At other times, it pulls you deeper into the sense of impossibility, and a spiraling fear of placing your fragile soul on the altar of faith and hope, fighting against the fear that what’s left of you will burn, burn, burn.

I am afraid to hope. I am terrified of the burn. The waiting’s been long, and I can’t see the end. What is there to hope for?

I’m reminded of the claim that God can and will restore. That sometimes, it takes unraveling to fully lean into Him as our Helper, Healer, and Provider. In the undoing, He is redoing and making beautiful that which was destroyed. Redemption is His specialty. But herein lie the deeper questions:

Can I trust Him?

Can I be still and know that He is God? The all-powerful, all-present, all-seeing, all-knowing? Is He sufficient? Is His love enough to heal?

Can I remain safe in His love?

Healing is impossible if you cannot feel safe.

In all transparency, I have struggled to feel safe in His love in the recent days, months, and year.

I forget that His love is not destructive or demanding. It’s ever-present, despite the circumstances. It’s soft. It’s gentle. Just like the tight and enfolding embrace of a friend. Just like the warmth in a lover's eyes. The consistent presence of a parent or guardian. Or maybe the sweetness of a love song or the comfort of a lullaby.

This love is safe. It covers all my fears.

This love protects, so I no longer need my walls.

This love bears witness to the emotions and stays.

This love fills the empty void with good things.

This love is grounding, healing, rejuvenating, and restorative.

His love never fails.

I am slowly learning to rest in this love. His love.

Rest as He sings over you.

“I'll always be here (I'll always be here)

When you need me

There's no need to fear (there's no need to fear)

I'm not leaving.” - Jonathan Ogden